6 months

Today is 6 months to the day since mom has been gone. I can’t believe it’s been that long already. Time really flies, even when you’re not having fun. I still have most of her stuff sprawled around in the spare bedroom. I don’t know what to do with the stuff. I don’t want to get rid of it, but I don’t have the room either. I thought about getting a few totes and putting what is left in storage until I know what to do with it. This is so surreal. I can’t believe I am still trying to figure out what to do with my mother’s belongings. I guess I want to keep everything of hers because it’s all I have left now; that and a black box with her ashes. That’s another thing I’ve been putting off. Before she died, she had told me that if anything ever happened to her, she wanted some of her ashes with my gram and some with my grampa and for me to have the rest if that’s what I wanted. I haven’t carried out her wishes yet, partly because I dread opening that box and partly because I’ve been waiting till the weather was nicer and the timing felt right. I know I can’t put it off too much longer. I thought about doing this on Mother’s Day. How appropriate. I may not be ready for this yet, but it’s something that I have to do. It’s what she wanted and this isn’t about me anymore, it’s about my mom and carrying out her wishes. So, weather permitting, Mother’s Day will be the day. I don’t know exactly where my grampa’s buried, but at least I know the name of the cemetery. I can find out the rest from the cemetery I guess.
I went to see that psychic medium again, to see if she could make contact with my mom again. The first time I went, I know she made contact with her. She described my mom to a T. The messages she gave me were accurate and I know that they couldn’t have come from anyone else but my mom. But this last time that I went to see this psychic, I didn’t feel so sure. I felt like she gave me the exact same info as before. She described my mom as a child explicitly. She said that as a child, my mom was very hyper, and always getting into things. She described a little girl with a full head of dark hair and big eyes. A little girl that was always curious and wanting to be around adults. She told me this because she said that my mom will come back as my daughter. The other thing that the psychic was right on about was my mom’s cause of death. She told me the first time I went there what the cause of death was and she couldn’t have been more right. She told me that in October. In December, I got the official word from the coroner and the psychic was exact. I just didn’t feel like this last time I went that she made as great a contact with my mom as the last time. I don’t know what the significance was of my mom feeling the need to tell me she was glad I didn’t end up with some guy from my past who’s into some bad shit now. If my mom wanted to tell me something to show that it was her, I just didn’t think it would be something like that. I don’t know. I just want so badly to know that my mom is ok. The psychic told me that she was and that she was with my gram. And then another psychic, someone who is a very good friend of ours and knew nothing of my mom and would never lie to me because she doesn’t make money off of readings, told me that my mom is not with my gram that she is with me. She was looking to the side of me like she could actually see my mom. She said that my mom doesn’t realize that she’s dead yet. That’s why she’s with me. She is sort of stuck in limbo, for lack of better words. She said that I have to tell her that she is dead so that she can move on and be in peace. That makes sense because the first psychic did say that my mom doesn’t want to admit that she’s dead because if she does then it becomes real to her too. So in a way, they were both right, just with different twist to the situation. Neither one of the psychics know each other, nor did they know my mom. One of them got paid and the other was just being a good friend trying to help me find peace. I was told that I need to let her go so that she can find peace. Basically, that I’m holding her here. I guess in a way, I am. I don’t want to let her go, because I feel like if I do, then it is saying that I’m no longer grieving her and I don’t care. And I do care. There are so many things I wish I could have told her. Like she was the greatest mother anyone could ever ask for, and that I loved her so much and that I was sorry I wasn’t very good at showing it to her. I don’t want to let her go because then I have to really admit to myself that she’s gone and I’m just not ready to do that yet. But this isn’t about me, is it? This is about my mom and giving her the peace that she deserves and that she was always looking for but never found in this life. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her or miss her. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t ask why. Why did this have to happen and why did it have to happen this way. I just can’t believe it’s been 6 months already. I can’t believe that it’s been 6 months since that night. The night I can never get out of my head. I feel like I am the one in limbo because I’m too afraid to face reality. There are still days when I want to call her and tell her about my day, or something funny I saw on tv. There are still days I just want to go down and give her a surprise visit. I think that is the hardest part. My phone not ringing. Not hearing her voice. Not seeing her smile. Not hearing her corny jokes. Not hearing her tell me how proud of me she is. Those are things I’ll never get used to . And those are things I’ll never forget.